The Phobia List

Expand your vocabulary.

A-

Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Acerophobia- Fear of sourness.
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia- Fear of noise.
Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airborne noxious substances.
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.
Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.
Agliophobia- Fear of pain.
Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.
Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.
Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.
Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Algophobia- Fear of pain.
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Altophobia- Fear of heights.
Amathophobia- Fear of dust.
Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.
Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.
Ancraophobia- Fear of wind. (Anemophobia)
Androphobia- Fear of men.
Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind.(Ancraophobia)
Anginophobia- Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.
Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc.
Angrophobia – Fear of anger or of becoming angry.
Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
Antlophobia- Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)
Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia- Fear of men.
Arsonphobia- Fear of fire.
Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness.
Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning. (Ceraunophobia, Keraunophobia)
Astrophobia- Fear of stars or celestial space.
Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things.
Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia. (muscular incoordination)
Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.
Atephobia- Fear of ruin or ruins.
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting.
Atomosophobia- Fear of atomic explosions.
Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Aurophobia- Fear of gold.
Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights.
Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.
Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist’s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues – anything that falsely represents a sentient being.
Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.

B-

Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Ballistophobia- Fear of missiles or bullets.
Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
Barophobia- Fear of gravity.
Basophobia or Basiphobia- Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.
Bathmophobia- Fear of stairs or steep slopes.
Bathophobia- Fear of depth.
Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders, etc.
Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
Bibliophobia- Fear of books.
Blennophobia- Fear of slime.
Bogyphobia- Fear of bogeys or the bogeyman.
Botanophobia- Fear of plants.
Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.
Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Bufonophobia- Fear of toads.

C-

Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.
Cainophobia or Cainotophobia- Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Cancerophobia or Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer.
Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart.
Carnophobia- Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.
Catapedaphobia- Fear of jumping from high and low places.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia or Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia- Fear of cold.(Frigophobia, Psychophobia)
Chemophobia- Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.
Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.
Chionophobia- Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
Chirophobia- Fear of hands.
Chiroptophobia- Fear of bats.
Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
Chronophobia- Fear of time.
Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia- Fear of food.(Sitophobia, Sitiophobia)
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed place.
Cleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Climacophobia- Fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs.
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.
Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia- Fear of being enclosed.
Cnidophobia- Fear of stings.
Cometophobia- Fear of comets.
Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries.
Coitophobia- Fear of coitus.
Contreltophobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
Coprophobia- Fear of feces.
Consecotaleophobia- Fear of chopsticks.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices.
Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.
Crystallophobia- Fear of crystals or glass.
Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.
Cyclophobia- Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia or Kymophobia- Fear of waves or wave like motions.
Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.
Cypridophobia or Cypriphobia or Cyprianophobia or Cyprinophobia – Fear of prostitutes or venereal disease.

D-

Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.
Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.
Deipnophobia- Fear of dining or dinner conversations.
Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.
Demophobia- Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)
Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
Dermatophobia- Fear of skin lesions.
Dermatosiophobia or Dermatophobia or Dermatopathophobia- Fear of skin disease.
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Diabetophobia- Fear of diabetes.
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.
Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
Dinophobia- Fear of dizziness or whirlpools.
Diplophobia- Fear of double vision.
Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Disposophobia- Fear of throwing stuff out. Hoarding.
Domatophobia- Fear of houses or being in a house.(Eicophobia, Oikophobia)
Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals.
Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.
Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.
Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.

E-

Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.
Ecophobia- Fear of home.
Eicophobia- Fear of home surroundings.(Domatophobia, Oikophobia)
Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.
Electrophobia- Fear of electricity.
Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.
Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting.
Enetophobia- Fear of pins.
Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.
Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.
Entomophobia- Fear of insects.
Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.
Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.
Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds.
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Equinophobia- Fear of horses.
Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of loneliness.
Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing.
Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon’s fear of operating.
Ergophobia- Fear of work.
Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
Erythrophobia or Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia- 1) Fear of redlights. 2) Blushing. 3) Red.

F-

Febriphobia or Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever.
Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia)
Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Frigophobia- Fear of cold or cold things.(Cheimaphobia, Cheimatophobia, Psychrophobia)

G-

Galeophobia or Gatophobia- Fear of cats.
Gallophobia or Galiophobia- Fear France or French culture. (Francophobia)
Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
Gelotophobia- Fear of being laughed at.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
Genophobia- Fear of sex.
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges.
Germanophobia- Fear of Germany or German culture.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.
Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.

H-

Hadephobia- Fear of hell.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Haphephobia or Haptephobia- Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia- Fear of being robbed.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.
Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.
Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood.
Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or of radical deviation.
Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.
Heterophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Sexophobia)
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- Fear of the number 666.
Hierophobia- Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hippophobia- Fear of horses.
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars.
Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.
Hormephobia- Fear of shock.
Homichlophobia- Fear of fog.
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
Hominophobia- Fear of men.
Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.
Hoplophobia- Fear of firearms.
Hydrargyophobia- Fear of mercurial medicines.
Hydrophobia- Fear of water or of rabies.
Hydrophobophobia- Fear of rabies.
Hyelophobia or Hyalophobia- Fear of glass.
Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture.
Hylephobia- Fear of materialism or the fear of epilepsy.
Hylophobia- Fear of forests.
Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility.
Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.
Hypsiphobia- Fear of height.

I-

Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
Illyngophobia- Fear of vertigo or feeling dizzy when looking down.
Iophobia- Fear of poison.
Insectophobia – Fear of insects.
Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.
Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

J-

Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.

K-

Kainolophobia or Kainophobia- Fear of anything new, novelty.
Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.
Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
Katsaridaphobia- Fear of cockroaches.
Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.
Keraunophobia or Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)
Kinetophobia or Kinesophobia- Fear of movement or motion.
Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.
Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue.
Koniophobia- Fear of dust. (Amathophobia)
Kosmikophobia- Fear of cosmic phenomenon.
Kymophobia- Fear of waves. (Cymophobia)
Kynophobia- Fear of rabies.
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping.

L-

Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.
Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
Leprophobia or Lepraphobia- Fear of leprosy.
Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.
Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.
Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
Limnophobia- Fear of lakes.
Linonophobia- Fear of string.
Liticaphobia- Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.
Logophobia- Fear of words.
Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.
Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.
Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.
Lyssophobia- Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.

M-

Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (Sarmassophobia)
Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.
Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.
Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.
Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis.
Megalophobia- Fear of large things.
Melissophobia- Fear of bees.
Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
Meningitophobia- Fear of brain disease.
Menophobia- Fear of menstruation.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Metallophobia- Fear of metal.
Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.
Meteorophobia- Fear of meteors.
Methyphobia- Fear of alcohol.
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)
Microphobia- Fear of small things.
Misophobia or Mysophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs.
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination.
Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.
Monopathophobia- Fear of definite disease.
Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles.
Mottephobia- Fear of moths.
Musophobia or Muriphobia- Fear of mice.
Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.
Mycrophobia- Fear of small things.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants.
Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.
Myxophobia- Fear of slime. (Blennophobia)

N-

Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)
Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.
Nelophobia- Fear of glass.
Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.
Neophobia- Fear of anything new.
Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.
Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.
Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.
Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill.
Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.
Novercaphobia- Fear of your step-mother.
Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.
Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.
Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.
Nyctohylophobia- Fear of dark wooded areas or of forests at night
Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.
O-

Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)
Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.
Octophobia – Fear of the figure 8.
Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.
Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)
Oenophobia- Fear of wines.
Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings, house.(Domatophobia, Eicophobia)
Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.
Ombrophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.
Omphalophobia- Fear of belly buttons.
Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams.
Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.
Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)
Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
Opiophobia- Fear medical doctor’s experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients.
Optophobia- Fear of opening one’s eyes.
Ornithophobia- Fear of birds.
Orthophobia- Fear of property.
Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia- Fear of smells or odors.
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.
Ouranophobia or Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.
P-

Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost.
Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.
Paralipophobia- Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.
Paraphobia- Fear of sexual perversion.
Parasitophobia- Fear of parasites.
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th.
Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls.
Pathophobia- Fear of disease.
Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity.
Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth.
Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning or imaginary crimes.
Pediculophobia- Fear of lice.
Pediophobia- Fear of dolls.
Pedophobia- Fear of children.
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
Pellagrophobia- Fear of pellagra.
Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)
Phagophobia- Fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.
Phalacrophobia- Fear of becoming bald.
Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.
Phasmophobia- Fear of ghosts.
Phengophobia- Fear of daylight or sunshine.
Philemaphobia or Philematophobia- Fear of kissing.
Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.
Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
Photophobia- Fear of light.
Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one’s own voice; of telephones.
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
Phthiriophobia- Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)
Phthisiophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Placophobia- Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.
Pluviophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Pneumatiphobia- Fear of spirits.
Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.
Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.
Poliosophobia- Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.
Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.
Polyphobia- Fear of many things.
Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.
Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.
Porphyrophobia- Fear of the color purple.
Potamophobia- Fear of rivers or running water.
Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of drugs.
Proctophobia- Fear of rectums.
Prosophobia- Fear of progress.
Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.
Psychophobia- Fear of mind.
Psychrophobia- Fear of cold.
Pteromerhanophobia- Fear of flying.
Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia – Fear of puppets.
Pyrexiophobia- Fear of Fever.
Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.

Q-

R-

Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays.
Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)
Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation.
Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.
Russophobia- Fear of Russians.

S-

Samhainophobia: Fear of Halloween.
Sarmassophobia- Fear of love play. (Malaxophobia)
Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.
Scabiophobia- Fear of scabies.
Scatophobia- Fear of fecal matter.
Scelerophibia- Fear of bad men, burglars.
Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.
Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.
Scolionophobia- Fear of school.
Scopophobia or Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at.
Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field.
Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)
Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public.
Selachophobia- Fear of sharks.
Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes.
Selenophobia- Fear of the moon.
Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.
Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.
Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Heterophobia)
Siderodromophobia- Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.
Siderophobia- Fear of stars.
Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left or left-handed.
Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.
Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
Sociophobia- Fear of society or people in general.
Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
Soteriophobia – Fear of dependence on others.
Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.
Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts.
Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.
Stasibasiphobia or Stasiphobia- Fear of standing or walking.  (Ambulophobia)
Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.
Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.
Suriphobia- Fear of mice.
Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.
Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry.
Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.
Syphilophobia- Fear of syphilis.

T-

Tachophobia- Fear of speed.
Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious.
Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
Technophobia- Fear of technology.
Teleophobia- 1) Fear of definite plans. 2) Religious ceremony.
Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.
Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people.
Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.
Tetanophobia- Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.
Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things.
Textophobia- Fear of certain fabrics.
Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.
Thalassophobia- Fear of the sea.
Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres.
Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.
Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.
Thermophobia- Fear of heat.
Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations.
Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.
Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being accidently poisoned.
Traumatophobia- Fear of injury.
Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.
Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis.
Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia- Fear of hair. (Chaetophobia, Hypertrichophobia)
Triskaidekaphobia- Fear of the number 13.
Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes.
Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.
Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.

U-

Uranophobia or Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.

V-

Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination.
Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia- Fear of words.
Verminophobia- Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape.
Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.

W-

Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.
Wiccaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.

X-

Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
Xenoglossophobia- Fear of foreign languages.
Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.
Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.
Xyrophobia-Fear of razors.

Y-

Z-

Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.
Zeusophobia- Fear of God or gods.
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Zoophobia- Fear of animals.

Quote Collection

Random quotes collected over the years, no particular order or importance.

Quotes I love:

  • Fact:  If an addict is happy with you, you’re probably enabling them.  If an addict is mat at you, you’re probably trying to save their life.
  • “My path is lit by the burning bridges behind me.”
  • “I have yet to meet a man I couldn’t live without.”
  • Once you’ve had unconditional love, ‘regular’ love just doesn’t cut it.
  • Cruisin’ for an emotionally co-dependent shitstorm
  • “But why does everyone want a fucking medal and a gold star for doing what they SHOULD do? That earns you NOTHING, that is your OBLIGATION. So spare me the pat on your own back. It’s just a simple as wiping your ass after you shit, I’m not going to congratulate you for having decency and common sense.”
  • Hate is just a different form of love – it requires your energy and participation. Not worth it.
  • He wants to be right – you can give him that.  You want to be happy – and you can give yourself that as well.  Keep telling him he is right – it’s like telling a bratty whining child they are right just to shut them up and get them to go away – and because you don’t really care what they think ANYWAYS. conditional love – right 
    used him – right  agree, agree, agree.  because he isn’t’ listening to a word you say/text/type anyways – he just wants  to be heard,  and it really is taking back your control – when you explain yourself or argue with him you are saying that you need his approval (that’s why people argue) – and you don’t need his approval. You just need his signature.

    he is far more concerned about being right 

    you watch how quick he claps his trap when you tell him he is right.

  • He messages to hurt, not to resolve, not to inform
  • Learn to love what’s good for you.
  • I am an ADULT. I have worked my ASS off to be healthy and to learn and grow and handle my own shit.  I do NOT need to take on a partner and baby-step them through what I’ve already done. I just don’t. Not only that, I’m busy with my own life. I don’t have time OR energy to raise a man.  I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to. I feel like I’m bringing a pretty well put-together woman to the table and I want to sit down across from someone who’s also put together. On his own.
  • AndreaD:  Oh, no way in hell I’m going down that road again.  I’ve been all the way down it.  It’s a dead end and it ends in a sewer and a swamp.
  • “He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” — Bob Marley
  • Posted by a friend “you can never be good enough for a bad man. No matter how much you love his dirty drawers or have his back you will never be good enough to make him want to do right if his character ain’t right to begin with.” And THAT my friends is the farking TRUTH.
  • One definition of codependent is “people whose lives had become unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with an alcoholic.” We now know that “alcoholic” behavior is similar with any additive behavior.  So picture a codependent who is addicted to YOU … with all of the addictive behavior, the controlling, the obsession, worrying, manipulation, shame, trying to please, anger at failure, and resentment … and you have my ex.  The only way I can describe him is that he was in a committed relationship with me, as well as being codependent on me for every sensation and 100% caught up in trying to get me to react.  It was exhausting, unhealthy and unsustainable. 
  • My EX “just wanted to talk to me” for the entire duration of our divorce proceedings.   Unfortunately, he was a great salesman too – and “just talking” meant he just wanted another opportunity to convince me of how wrong I was for wanting a divorce.  He’d tell people, “This doesn’t have to be so ugly, I don’t understand why she won’t just talk to me.” but those other people didn’t understand that the reason he felt things didn’t need to be ugly is because as far as he was concerned, this whole conflict would be solved by us getting back together and all he needed was a little more time and talk to convince me of that.  He didn’t mean negotiating a property settlement “didn’t need to be ugly”. He meant THIS WHOLE UGLY THING WAS UNNECESSARY. I’m not even saying that in a bad way. It just was what it was. The only thing he wanted to talk about was changing my mind.” – stchoubie
  • If someone is a drag on me, I cut them out. If someone lifts me up, I bring them closer. Nobody is sacred here. When the plane is going down, put the oxygen mask on your face first. Family, friends, people I love—I always try to be there for them and help. But I don’t get close to anyone bringing me down. This rule can’t be broken. Energy leaks out of you if someone is draining you. And I never owe anyone an explanation. Explaining is draining.  ― James Altucher
  • It’s not always possible to cut someone out of your life, even if they are a drain on your energy. The better thing to do, I think, is to develop a skill set that empowers you to rise above. That’s growth. – Michael Biesemeyer
  • “Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul”
  • He didn’t do all that fix-it stuff for his WIFE…. his fucking WIFE, for crying in the night… he did it to save his own ass and to make him feel better about HIMSELF – Diva
  • We gave you every opportunity to clean your soiled underpants, and you just keep shitting in them.
  • Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
  • I don’t watch porn. But for the same reason, I don’t watch:

1. Nancy Grace and the like (consider it “grief porn”);

2. Reality TV shows that are designed to make you feel superior to or have contempt for the people featured (like Honey Boo Boo or Jersey Shore);

3. Crime dramas that focus a lot on gore or shocking crimes (like The Following or Law & Order SVU).

Really, there is no good reason to watch any of that stuff except to titillate ourselves in a kinda cheap way. I think when we fill our minds with garbage, we are “getting off” (literally or figuratively) on the wrong things.

Why not focus on the blessings that surround us and celebrate them? – cmac

  • “I’m old enough to make my own mistakes. Stop it. If you’re having trouble getting over my choices, go see a therapist.” – Lisa
  • It’s important to be able to dislike things our partners do, without disapproving of our partner. -Mattie
  • “If you cannot say it in one sentence DON’T say it. After one sentence it’s all emotion.”
  • Watch out for half-truths.  You may have gotten ahold of the wrong half.
  • I see people who just don’t think that being rude and unpleasant should be held against them afterwards, and therefore say whatever they want, whenever they want. I also blame reality TV. It’s cool to be wretched and nasty, and unapologetic for it. I don’t try to be PC – but I do have manners, and unfortunately, a lot of people don’t recognize the difference anymore. – Shan
  • It’s impossible to move on when you’re still trying to “right a wrong.” Sometimes you just have to let it go.
  • “I can’t spend your love at the grocery store. I need some security.” –Etta James.
  • We that do not have children have a responsibility to live the life that those with children wish they could live. – twoshovels
  • I am sensitive. I have feelings. I just don’t go around bashing people over the head with them because that isn’t sensitivity, that is emotional blackmail. – HRB
  • No stepping on me for a leg up.  EVER!!
  • Fact: it is impossible for a perfectly healthy sane person to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally unhealthy. Oh, you can work with them and suffer through it and empathize with all of it…but eventually? Eventually, you’ve just had ENOUGH and you realize that it’s not your fault, and YES you do deserve to live in peace in a healthy way of your OWN making. – Socal
  • Live without pretending. Love without depending. Listen without defending. Speak without offending. – Drake
  • I’m single.  And someone’s going to have to be fucking amazing to change that.
  • I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect you to be.
  • This wouldn’t be an issue if you didn’t have tits. – Socal
  • I love me some sex. Sex is great. Sex is one of my favorite pastimes. But you wake me up from a sound sleep for sex, it better be because you’ve just been told we have minutes to live. – AndreaD
  • “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
  • You want to be your own person, he wants to be your person – Mary
  • Why do people say “grow some balls?”  Balls are weak and sensitive, if you wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.—Betty White
  • “Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.” – Thank you Sumumba Neely !!
  • “Older men now, are just men our age later” – Mary
  • The filter between my mouth and brain is so clogged that everything just seems to pour over the top and around the sides now. – HR
  • I know this one!! It’s the *snap fingers* “You are an adult now, start acting like one!!”….even though no one has laid a drip of groundwork for skid to behave like an adult.  – Wowzy
  • I do my thing, you do your thing

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations

And you are not in the world to live up to mine..

I am I

And you are you

And if by chance we find each other….

It’s beautiful…

  • “If I ever get around to boyfriend number two, he better have a busy life full of his own hobbies and goals, because I will not be someone’s reason to exhale. I have better things to do then entertain a full grown man when I’m not getting paid for it. “— HBI Member, Gabriela
  • Stupidity is a defect; laziness is a choice!!! I can forgive your actions if you are a genuinely stupid person, but if you opt to screw it up because you are just genuinely lazy then I shall make your life hell!!! 😉 – Patty Rice
  • What obligation do I have to anyone who expects something out of me that I’m not willing to give?
  • “Yeah I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, but you put yourself in those shoes so you have to walk your way out of them” LeighAnn
  • It’s like beating the shit out of your wife then buying her diamonds to make up for it. Great! She has gorgeous jewelry now but she’s still gonna get her ass kicked again if she stays.
  • Stupidity, as in genuinely stupid people, can’t learn any different or do any different whereas lazy people just need to get off their behinds and do something. However if they are stupid AND lazy, just hope they don’t breed. – Toni Corvo Noble
  • How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
  • – ~~~When we are urged to practice detachment, it never means disinterest. The purpose of emotional detachment is to keep myself free from being drawn into crisis of other peoples making.~~~
  • “That boy’s gonna be 30 before he knows it and all he’ll have to show for it is a neck full of hickeys and a retail staff discount” – Socal
  • Management is not leadership:    We manage things and lead people
  • “If you spit in the face of a crazy person, all you end up with is a wet crazy person” – LD
  • “Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing; Sometimes the best move you make is none at all. Which is why it’s possible to do the right thing without even trying.” – Lou Spagnola
  • I suck so much I could get a second job as a vacuum. – HR
  • “Good bread, good meat, good God, let’s eat!”
  • Thank God I’m shallow or I’d have to evaluate these feelings – Socal
  • You deserve happiness, you deserve a good husband, you deserve someone who will treat you right and step up to the plate, EVERY SINGLE TIME, not just when they want something.
  • The longer you keep what belongs to him, the longer you keep him in your life. – Celt
  • HBI:  After learning things about him… things that turned my stomach…. I remained married to a man for 2 years because he hadn’t hit me or cheated on me… and because I made a commitment. Someone finally said to me… “You are aware that he broke his vows.. right? You know he vowed to love, honor, and cherish you… Not just to be non-violent and keep his dick in his pants… right? Do you FEEL honored, loved, or cherished right now? If all you are committed to is a commitment… why do you need HIM around?”
  • Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  • Temptation usually comes in to doors that are left wide open. – Reader’s Digest
  • Question yourself.  You’ll probably find some interesting answers. – me
  • “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”
  • “Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself. “Richard M. Nixon (1913 – 1994), in his White House farewell
  • You don’t have to go to every fight you’re invited to.
  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, let me do it for you.
  • I am lucky enough that my biggest temptation has more willpower than I do. 
  • LD, about Ed’s passing:  Goodbye, Ed. If our Gigi loved and admired you, that’s all I need to know to have the measure of your life.
  • Celtsias from HBI:  Either you adopt a policy of respecting yourself or you adapt to a life without one.
  • Megan’s Rope Story:  And again I am reminded of that rope story – the one where the guy throws you a rope and tells you to hold on and then jumps over the edge of a bridge. He refuses to help himself, will not climb up but keeps telling you it’s your responsibility to keep him alive, even though it puts your own life in peril.
  • “Don’t explain. Friends don’t need it and enemies won’t believe you anyways.” – Sister
  • Teach me, and I’ll remember today. Show me, and I’ll remember tomorrow. Allow me to discover, and I’ll remember forever.”  – montessori education website
  • Being a victim really isn’t as much fun as being empowered – Nancy
  • I used to look him dead in the eye and say: “Hey. Are you mad at me or  BB? Because you are not allowed to chew on me just because you’re mad at her.”  Took a couple of years, but he’s much better now about setting aside his anger and not ‘kicking the dog’. Oh, yeah, the psychologists call it ‘displacement’. It’s not safe to be angry with the real object, so you shift your anger to someone/something that’s safe to be angry with. – LD
  • I kinda feel like Pavlov’s dog sometimes … once you get burned a hundred times, you stop reaching for that fire … – Gigi
  • You can kill someone with a safety pin… you just gotta stab them more often… – DivaMom
  • Any ass can fart an opinion.”
  • I didn’t intend to piss you off.  However, I am not going to take shit just because someone serves it to me. Of course it was volatile. She had made a fucking mess and didn’t want to clean it up. You on the other hand had to try and be the class clown, a role we hardly need in this place. You just want to be the centre of attention don’t you? So here’s a fucking blazing spotlight. Oh and by the way, I did laugh. It was at you though, not your “joke”.
  • I cannot STAND it when a man can’t make a decision. I was married to that guy before, I don’t want to be again. STOP ASKING ME what I want to eat or how I feel about things I frankly don’t give a rat’s ass about and just DO IT! I hate debating the minutia of everyday life.
  • “Helping” is doing something for someone that they are incapable of doing for themselves and that “Enabling” is doing things someone should darned well be doing for themselves” http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/troubled_teens/72746
  • “Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget the one’s who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life… let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”
  • “I’m not disappointed, not exactly. I am just a little dismayed. I suppose the downfall of my domestic utopia started 5 minutes after I got married. I didn’t marry Ward Cleaver or even Mr. Brady. I married an entirely different man who was just as lost as I was. And we stayed lost together. For awhile it was great, better than great because I really believed that I began where he ended and vice versa. Eventually though, that seam wore away and I saw it was just Lost Me and Lost Him, tied with a gold band and a lot of promises we weren’t able to keep to each other. ” – HR
  • “Expectations… are just premeditated resentments.”
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. 
  • The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
  • Be ALIVE while you are alive.  — George Carlin
  • Hit the gas or be last
  • Most men will follow their peckers into the meat grinder.
  • “Don’t F*ck with the woman your Daddy is F*cking” – ForeverAmber
  • “Men don’t lie, they just remember big” – Queenie’s ex
  • Ride with it, just don’t ride bitch
  • Yeah, shit happens, but surrounding yourself with assholes like that and whining about it is like wading in the bottom of an outhouse and wondering where the smell is coming from.
  • if you have to hit someone in the face with the sign, they probably aren’t going to bother reading it anyway
  • the brain is connected to the spine. Try to get them working in tandem for a change
  • Now, let’s get back to the heart of the issue, shall we? Since you can only dance your way around it, let me lead.
  • “I’m an independent whole. If I decide to friend, love, or belong to someone else, is my decision and it’s because I want to grow bigger with them, I want to add them to my world and be part of theirs – not to fill some fucking hole in either of us.”
  • Allow me to add my stone to this tower of posts.
  • “I don’t have to have a reason to like you. I don’t have to have a reason to hate you. And even when I do have a reason, I don’t have to let you in on it.”
  • I think that once we realized that it’s usually a misunderstanding and not some unresolvable core issue, we found it was easier to get it out of the way rather than let it fester.  – softail
  • Latingirl –  “there’s a reason why they used to say ‘she’s gone mad’ to mean ‘she’s gone crazy.’ Mad makes you crazy.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein
  • “If there were to be a universal sound depicting peace, I would surely vote for the purr.” ~ Barbara L. Diamond
  • What EDGE does a razor have if it’s been used so very many times before?
  • – At this point, I would say… “you know what, let me make this easy for you.” And I’d leave.
  • comparable to a cow; if you keep it locked up long enough, when you set it free, it doesn’t know what to do, or where to go. That’s me…the cow.
  • Megan – Don’t get caught up in what’s right, what’s fair, what’s best – instead accept what is and make the best of it.
  • There is nothing that gets under my skin more than someone who is paralyzed by a fear of failure – and then makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy by not doing the minimum work required to succeed. LXH was an excellent surveyor but would never do what it took to get his PE. He preferred to sit around for hours at night and talk about how everyone at work was screwing him.
  • Boundaries:  Just remember that boundaries are for you, what you are willing to accept and not accept. They are not for controlling another person. That is what was the hardest for me. I always need to check my motivation when I make a boundary.  The next hardest thing for me was to enforce it. Being raised in an alcoholic home, we had no boundaries. Looking back, I can see where I never recognized other peoples’ boundaries and I was constantly pushing at them if I didn’t like them.  Once I decided to make boundaries with my family, I decided which was the most important, the one I needed to preserve my sanity, and I made that boundary. Now I find that I don’t make a whole lot of boundaries, but I think long and hard on the ones I do make. Also, if they don’t work for me or I have attempted to control another person, I abandon the boundary.
  • “You’ve been divorced for nine years. I’ll give you a few more minutes to process that.”
  • But you know, sometimes shit just sticks where it gets thrown, and there is no resolution but time and your own personal resolve not to throw more…
  • Stchoub – I think humans have, for the most part, lost their true animal instinct to protect their young. How many bears do you know that would just sit there and say, “Oh, something is threatening my cub… maybe the park ranger will do something about it.”
  • You won’t win some mystical MEDAL of DEVOTION and SACRIFICE by putting up with his sh*t. All you will get is bitterness and lack of joy in your life.
  • “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”  — Marcus Aurelius
  • How easy it is to care about those who don’t extend the same courtesy to themselves-let alone return the favor.

http://www.fiveanddime.net/affirmation.html

On this day I will look at my past mistakes and project them onto the future.

Today I will create a crisis situation so I can feel really alive.

I have a right to be physically unattractive.

I will make spiritual bankruptcy my goal for the day.

I have a right to change people into who I want them to be.

Today I will belittle those around me as I’ve been belittled in the past.

Extreme mood swings are my goal for the day, as they are so invigorating.

I have a right to seek revenge on those who have hurt me, and so today I’ll begin to intricately plot against them.

Today I will surround myself with unhealthy people so that I may feel superior to them.

Today I celebrate the fact that my underdeveloped sense of identity allows me to fit into a wide range of situations.

Today I will only do things for which I receive very clear approval or applause.

My choices are limited; therefore, I must rigidly stick to the plan I have outlined for myself.

Today I will start a project only so I can later abandon it because of my perfectionistic standards.

Today I will lie in bed and wallow in self-pity.

Today I will purposefully fuel someone’s worst fears.

While in conversation today, I will practice keeping a mental inventory of other people’s stupidity.

Today I will practice playing the victim with my friends and coworkers.

This year I will save money by not buying birthday cards for anyone; I will tell everyone their card must have been lost in the mail.

I have the hardest life.

Today I will hoard something I was denied as a child.


 

 

So everything is a question of training and the power of habit. Devote the mind to confusion and we know only too well, if we’re honest, that it will become a dark master of confusion, adept in its addictions, subtle and perversely supple in its slaveries. Devote it in meditation to the task of freeing itself from illusion, and we will find that with time, patience, discipline, and the right training, the mind will begin to unknot itself and know its essential bliss and clarity.

Etta, the Harley Davidson Sportster

The story of how, exactly, I got her back is not worth telling, but she came back in bad shape after being left outside for a couple of years.

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_BeforePoor Etta

I’d asked around to a few shops if they were interested in restoring my old bike, but the whole time had one friend in mind who would be perfect for the project.  When Mike consented to take her on I literally jumped up and down.  Len and I brought her over to his garage in January of 2014, with the request:  “Get her running and give her a little fluff, please.”

Mike’s a really meticulous guy. If he’s working on something, you can sleep very well at night knowing it will get done right.  We were both super excited about the project.  I had a couple of unexpected bucks and some simple ideas.  Mike had his garage, spare parts and a headful of ideas, and what he did to that bike in the next 5 months was a miracle.

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Of course, every time he tried to do something simple, he’d find something wrong with it.  She ended up naked and bony.

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He painted and powdercoated everything.  EVERYthing.  Sometimes in terrible temperatures, as the winter was super cold.  He got bronchitis, no doubt from all the powder flying around his garage.  He wouldn’t sleep.  I’d tell him to go to bed and he’d say yup, just one more thing …

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Then the mockups started.  Color?  Where?  Wait … those bullets look good.  Let’s do more of those.

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You need new wheels, those spokes are bad.  Craigslist has these, what do you think?  Not sure where to cut the fender …

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This went on for months.  I was indecisive.  Mike wanted me to be happy.  I’d bring over cases of Yuengling Light and he’d send photos and videos.  The only thing I was 100% sure of was no flames, no skulls, no bones, no snakes … nothing stereotypically “badass.”  Not my style.

He even found a PERFECT seat, and got some donated vintage parts from friends.  Lots of people sent bullet shells, too.

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Etta came out FANTASTIC.  100% thrilled with her, and Mike (and his wife, who didn’t hurl him out of the house for forgetting about his other chores).  There’s no way I could pay him what all that work was worth, but he was a gentleman and stuck to the original deal, and the friendship has remained intact.  Which is all I really wanted.

Mike introduced me to Chris, who pinstriped her.  And look how gorgeous.  Running fine, no issues, turn the key.  Happy gal!!

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2014-04-19 13.50.17Helmet matches, too.

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Do I ride now?

Short answer:  No, dammit.

Two days after getting Etta from her builder, I tipped over on a low speed turn in a parking lot and fubar’d my elbow pretty bad.  It took a solid month to be able to straighten it out.

Funny thing, though.  That happened about a month after my Dad passed away.  Dad had a stroke 15 years before he passed; his left side never worked smoothly again, and every day he carried his left arm bent and stiff.  He’d stretch it out with his right arm.

It took three weeks to realize:  Just exactly the way I’d been doing. I think Dad reached down from Heaven and gave me a good swat for being on a bike in sneakers and a tank top.  Thanks, Dad.  You were right again.

After that I lost my nerve and had no business being on a bike.  I tried every week to go again, but every single time I let the clutch out my heart would land in my throat.

I’m not off riding my own bike, not at all.  In fact, part of the problem was the horrible angst all summer long about letting myself, my friends, and most of all my builder down.  A city is no place to learn to ride, and Etta is out in the country now.  I’ll find some time, once I get my arms around this new job.

Oh, and buying a house with my boyfriend.  Priorities. 🙂

This happened

Today’s self-assigned task is to tell my “relationship history.”  Why my brain feels the need to perform it is anyone’s guess, but a few weeks ago a buddy told me his and I wanted to reciprocate. It’s just before Independence Day, 2015 (updated May 2016), so as good a day as any.  Independence is important.

In the 70’s, I was seeking trouble.  Boredom drove that.  So I went out with guys who were older, and broken.  “Nice” boys avoided me.  Don’t blame them, I was an edgy chick.

In the early 80’s, I was seeking a full-time thing so intensely that some basic requirements were overlooked.  Like a phone call after a “date.”  Hindsight being 20/20, now it’s clear that I was that psycho chick who chased her prey.  In my head, it was all in the name of love, but my actions were pathetic.  I wasn’t a stalker but I was 100% distracted by whatever man had crossed my path, effectively pulling the plug on other, more long-term and fruitful activities, such as applying myself at college, fixing my car, really learning to play guitar well, nurturing friendships, and figuring out exactly what I wanted out of life.  Any foundation for a stable life was sabotaged.   If someone liked me, even a little, I loved them wholeheartedly and showed them every way I could, providing 95% of the relationship.  I was a smotherer, and they ran.  It never occurred to me to play hard-to-get, thinking that was just a stupid game the other girls played.

I had met one man in the crazy time, who re-entered my life in 1985.  He loved me.  Of course I loved him.  He proposed.  I was delighted, and we had a lovely wedding in 1986.  It wasn’t a good match.   I left in 1992, moved from the eight country acres we were living on to an 800SF apartment in the most densely-populated city in the USA.  We filed for divorce on our 7th anniversary, and went to lunch together after seeing the judge.  He’s a nice man, and the divorce was amicable.  Now I know what a blessing that was.  We still enjoy a warm friendship to this day, even though it took a few years to get to that point. He’s remarried, and has a few kids.  His nickname is Mr X.

Oh yeah.  Kids.  Never felt the urge.  OK, felt the urge for 40 minutes around 1997 or so, but by then I was with a man with four teenage boys.  Living with four adolescent males will talk you out of kids QUICK.  No regrets.

Met another man in the city.  Shocking, right?  This one was 33, no kids, never been married and lived at home with his mother.  Somehow, I thought this was OK.  You know, just a poor innocent guy who needed a break, right?  That break came with him coming over one night and not leaving for three years.  Even though, 18 months in, he decided he didn’t want a girlfriend anymore.  I remember asking him when he’d be moving, and him saying he couldn’t afford to.   (By this time, his mother had passed away, and he was feuding with his twin brother over the house).  OK then … when will you be moving into the second bedroom?  When he bought a mattress.   He never did buy a mattress, and slept next to me every night without reaching over.  Devastating to my self-esteem, and the perfect set up for the next relationship.

On New Year’s Eve, 1995, a girlfriend and I were sitting around my apartment having a few adult beverages, with no plans for the evening.  No-mattress man was still living there, hanging around the bedroom in his underwear.  No internet back then, but we enjoyed playing a Scrabble-like game on a dial-in BBS board in the living room.  Since we were almost out of booze, she invited one of the players over, as he was going out anyways to pick up Chinese food for his kids.  He ended up being “the next man.”  I fell in headfirst, and he met every single emotional need.  But there were problems.  He was fired from his job of 14 years two months after moving in.  Followed by lots of crappy low-paying dead-end jobs, many injuries, and some meanness I ignored.  His “ex-wife” called up one afternoon and said she’d been evicted, could we take the kids for a couple of weeks?  Four teen boys moved into our living room.  Two weeks turned into 12 years.  More injuries, lawsuits, unemployment … overcrowding, filth, depression, poverty … then eventually filling my emotional needs turned into systematic psychological abuse.  I was under his microscope … his only hobby.  That “ex-wife?”  Not so ex.  He had lied about not getting a divorce from her, and we had married in 2001. In 2006 I began asking him to leave; he refused.  In 2009, my new life began, whether he liked it or not.  He didn’t, and things got as ugly as they possibly could.  I didn’t help the situation, either; it was impossible, nothing was enough for him, and trust had been destroyed on both sides.  He and the two remaining 20-something sons finally moved towards the end of 2011.  At the beginning of 2012, I took out a restraining order after seeing he wouldn’t leave me or my parents alone, and except for my Dad’s funeral, haven’t spoken to him.

Everything is a learning experience, and these last two relationships got it through my thick skull that it was finally time to get comfortable with myself.  Living alone was scary at first.  I hadn’t done that ever.  With the encouragement and guidance of some extraordinary girlfriends, life has at last gained a balance of love, hobbies, friendships and work.  The all-consuming intensity of a high-maintenance dysfunctional relationship is repelling.  I am happy, and free of the distraction of a brain filled with—or trying to figure out—someone else.  Dated some, but they were either not interested or far too interested.  Dates  Call me Goldilocks. *shrug*

During this experiment, I saw a man who kept it casual.  We had a great deal of fun, absolutely not a speck of drama and no strings attached in the pleasantest possible version of an NSA relationship.  Two very nice, very busy, very independent people who found some time to be with each other without forcing it.  No drama,  easy, and exactly what I needed while healing from bad ex.  He kept me out of trouble, something I will always be grateful for.  But my heart wanted more, a future, and I looked for that when I was feeling neglected.

I’m really lucky, too, because it found me.  Through a mutual friend, we met … and it’s ALL good, our kind of normal, wonderful, healthy and positive.  My relationship future is blazing brightly with the perfect man for me.

In any case.  Happy Independence Day.  Cherish it.   Don’t let anyone take it away, not even in the name of love.