Online Dating “Don’ts” for Men

After casually participating in the dance that is online dating for the last few years, it’s become clear that there are several common behaviors that, while they turn women off completely, men persist in doing.  So here’s my across-the-board list of “don’ts” for you guys.

  1. Don’t be mysterious.  Have a recent photo, clothed, no sunglasses or hats, and not taken in a vehicle.   Bathroom selfies are just creepy.  It tells me you don’t have any friends who will take a photo of you, or that you don’t leave the house and DO things with those friends—just sit in the bathroom naked thinking of naked women (not the rest of the person).  Which is creepy.
  2. Don’t give a lame “I can’t put up a photo because of my work” excuse.  I work, too.  My job knows I’m single and lets me date, because I’m free, mostly white and way over 21.  If someone sees your profile on a dating site, what’s going to happen?  You’re going to ask them what they were doing on a dating site, looking at your profile.  Or they’re going to think … “good for so-and-so, they’re getting themselves out there” or “that dog! again?” depending on your history.  Either way, no excuses, please.
  3. Don’t fall in love before you meet the person.  There’s so much wrong with that that I’m not going to bother explaining it.
  4. Don’t be wishy-washy.  There’s a great deal of difference between saying “I’m thinking of going to the movies this weekend” and waiting for the woman to jump in and say “I’d like to go with you” versus having the courage to actually ask, and risk rejection.
  5. Don’t be evasive.  Not everything’s a secret.  I’m a big fan of privacy, but not secrecy.
  6. I can’t even believe this will make the list of don’ts for online dating, but don’t be married, engaged, or otherwise taken.  If a woman has decided to cut you from the herd and you were OK with that, stick to it.  If you’re not OK with it any more, do the right thing and get free before browsing around.  Anything else is weak and doesn’t say anything good about your morals, and therefore any kind of a future relationship.  Another conversation with a pissed-off wife who blames me for her husband’s flirtation might be entertaining, but could be avoided.
  7. Be a real person, not a bot trying to pull at my affections to collect email addresses or phone numbers.  It’s just annoying.
  8. Similarly, be an authentic person.  If your profile is filled with stuff you want to do, but don’t do—ever—and it’s obvious, that is a red flag and you will be passed over for a man who admits that some Sunday afternoons he’d rather do the NASCAR nap than go hiking.
  9. Don’t go from “never heard of you” to “must text you every hour for no reason.”
  10. Don’t send us dick pics.  It’s not funny.  I have yet to meet a woman this turns on.
  11. Don’t sent pre-prepared scripts to hundreds of us.  It’s obvious you’re playing the numbers game, and not at all flattering.  You’re not the only one doing this.
  12. Don’t send a full page of text on your first email.  Or poetry.  Or links to a Youtube video of your favorite love song. Ick.
  13. Don’t live more than 100 miles away.  Even if we hit it off, you’re not staying over here after a first meet. And distance *does* matter if you’re 6,000 miles away.  Don’t try to make me feel stupid and heartless because we disagree on this.  If you have so little going on in your life that you can drop everything to move in with me, that’s a big bright flapping red flag.
  14. Usernames such as “Deepandable,” “CamelToe,” “ThikDik” or contain the number 69 in any form will not net the desired result.  Go play on a sex site, or better yet, stop being lazy and learn the art of seduction.
  15. Don’t ask me to wear tight or revealing clothing for our first meet.  Sadly, this has happened more than once.  Really.
  16. Don’t call me darling, sweetheart, angel, doll, or any other term of endearment in a first contact.  I’m not any of those things … yet.
  17. Don’t be in your 20’s or 30’s.  You’ll be with older women for long enough.
  18. Don’t be a Judgy McJudgerson in your profile.  Not all of us are like your cheating, lying, greedy, grabby ex, so don’t try to correct us out of the gate.   I will return the favor by looking forward in life and not assigning my ex’s less endearing qualities to you.
  19. Don’t assume.  ANYthing.
  20. Don’t be mysterious/evasive bears another mention.  Selecting a potential mate online is sketchy at best.  Meeting with someone who purposely withholds their identity and could potentially kidnap and kill me is downright dangerous.  You’re supposed to make me feel safe, not scared.  This is not “exciting and daring.”
  21. If we ever do get to meet, be gracious and buy the cup of coffee or ice cream without calling attention to it.   If this small investment is going to screw your weekly budget or require some kind of praise, we’re not going to be dating.
  22. Don’t send me a message at 11PM.  I don’t need a lullaby, and I’m pretty sure you’ve “sung” yourself to sleep before.

There’s more, but we’d be getting into the “personal to me” territory.

You’re welcome.